who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My patience has stretch marks.