“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
