“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Great game to play with friends
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”