Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.