Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.