Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.