Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I don’t get marriage
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Peter Parker Peter Driver
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.