Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
☠️
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*