Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
buying dead houseplants to save time
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?