Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

I triple waxed for this?

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then