Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
You Might Also Like
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?