Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Quadruple digit IQ

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect