me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
You Might Also Like
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis