@thestlouisan

Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not

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@TheHyyyype

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

@iscoff

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

@WilliamRodgers

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

@JohnLyonTweets

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

@JillianKarger

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?