WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?