“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there