“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Do not levitate over flowers
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF