Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.