Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me, reading some of your tweets
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Somebody’s lying.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet