Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.