Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.