Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Breaking news:
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Taking phone security to the next level.
NASA has no chill