Who’s your best friend?
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
🍛
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
He is just living hist best little life 😊