who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
no
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
