who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Cop lights are so pretty at night
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.