Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.