Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”