Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

“No way.” -Jose

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.