Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic