Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???