it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.