Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*