Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun