Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”