Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
it is time once again
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Good morning
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.