Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Who says great literature is dead?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: