Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?