Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

Me checking my bank balance online.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.