Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!