Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
👍
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
When they try to steal your moment.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work