WHY?!
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
my one true gender
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”