WHY?!
You Might Also Like
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos