Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

But wait…

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.