Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.