Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*