Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?