Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
choose your fighter
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
