I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???