why am i having trouble navigating this map??
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly