Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Saw online –

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.