why am i having trouble navigating this map??
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
New Tinder profile.
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I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?