Why am I like this?
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My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
pictures of spider-man
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.