Why am I like this?
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Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them