Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
🙅🏻
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.