Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
how high up are we talkin’?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.