Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks