Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes