Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

when you are just born a rebel

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

How I like cutting carbs

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

The internet is full of many things

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.