I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min