@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

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@TheBoydP

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

@FeelingEuphoric

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min