Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.