why am I working on Labor Day
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how was your vacation
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine