why am I working on Labor Day
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*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
You can’t rush stupid.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
choose your gary
