Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
