Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
👍
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose