Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.