Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Sign of the day..

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*