Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.