@TheTweetOfGod

“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.

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@Staggfilms

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

@TrolleyCat

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@onion_an

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@NoTheOtherJohn

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

@DaddyJew

Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

@SirEviscerate

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.