Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Don’t frighten the programmers!
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess