Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.